Thinking

My eye keeps twitching so I probably need sleep.

I dont think its stress.. I'm pretty much done with my first summer class and not too worried about how I did.

I have been thinking though and "Ends" got me really pondering my own situations and I realized that I just.. dont connect fully to people. I dont know, I can open up and it will feel like everything is all clicking but people can come and go in my life so easily. I cant count on one hand the number of amazing friends who I felt so close to at the time and now I talk to once a year maybe.
Actually I have a journal from a middle school friend who equated our friendship to the ocean and now she is almost a complete stranger to me.. thank God they invented facebook or I really wouldnt keep up with anyone. That is a really sad truth. I actually found my childhood best friend on facebook and realized we hadnt spoken in like, 10 years. She had been my BEST FRIEND, we did everything together.. but we grow up. Well the scary thing is you never stop growing up., so how do you know who will stay through the changes?

I watched Jon and Kate after endless hours of Deadliest Catch and I realized the following:
1. Life is really fragile
Be it men crab fishing on the Bering Sea or college kids just driving thier car life can be taken in an instant. A boy in one of my classes freshman year died a month ago, I went on a trip to Atlanta with him once as a Model UN thing and he died, and I didnt know, it didnt effect my life at all. I mean, we werent close or anything but, it just hit home that people can disappear and not come back.
2. You cant be prepared for life
It didnt matter if Kate had everything planned to a T, Jon was a person too, who made his own decisions, just like people you might count on can still disappoint you.

I probably learned more but that sums the majority of it up.

Butterflies

So, shocker, I am afraid of butterflies.

I know, its totally irrational. As one flew into my windshield the other day I started thinking about why I dislike these beautiful creatures. They are truly harmless, unless I'm a moth, which last time I checked I wasnt.
But, as I thought about it I realized what I disliked is how they fly at me. Wether I am walking the track at school or just walking to class, and even the yellow ones that fly at my car. They seem to be everywhere this time of year.. and I realized that maybe.. I'm jealous of their bravery.

Here is this fragile, beautiful creature who.. flies at me, not away like birds do.. and even land on people sometimes and they arent afraid. But here I am, a human to start with and I'm afraid of them.. but more than that.. I'm just afraid.. and thats what I really realized.

I fear the change of growing up only to realize that I am almost 20 and the end of college is quickly approaching.. I hide behind the idea of going to grad school but eventually I have to grow up and go into the real world..

We watched a movie today in my diversity class and I focused on the out of date clothing and the men in far too short shorts and when my teacher commented on our immatuirty of dealing with such a tough subject I realized she was right. I was avoiding thinking there is even a real problem because then I'd have to face it and what if I cant? What if I fall short? What if I'm not everything I think I am?

So, I'm afraid.. of butterflies.. of older adults.. of life.. of living.. so I live with my eyes closed.

Change

I basically made this so I could "follow" Ruths life. but while I am here why not participate..
Let readers be forwarned I cant spell and this so will never be grammatically correct. I know we get warned all the time about the stuff we put on the internet for out future employers can see it and such but honestly shouldnt they be able to see what they are putting faith in. I mean, yeah I hope I dont lose a job over a comment I make now especially if my opinions change so I guess its a vaild point but it just makes me realize that.. its kind of sad people change.

Maybe that is my real problem. Change. Goodness I loathe that, but I've gotten better. Ultimately who does like change, well besides like, drifters.

Neways, I have class in the morning and have seriously begun to feel like Carrie Bradshaw (without the crazy fashion sense).

-K