Butterflies

So, shocker, I am afraid of butterflies.

I know, its totally irrational. As one flew into my windshield the other day I started thinking about why I dislike these beautiful creatures. They are truly harmless, unless I'm a moth, which last time I checked I wasnt.
But, as I thought about it I realized what I disliked is how they fly at me. Wether I am walking the track at school or just walking to class, and even the yellow ones that fly at my car. They seem to be everywhere this time of year.. and I realized that maybe.. I'm jealous of their bravery.

Here is this fragile, beautiful creature who.. flies at me, not away like birds do.. and even land on people sometimes and they arent afraid. But here I am, a human to start with and I'm afraid of them.. but more than that.. I'm just afraid.. and thats what I really realized.

I fear the change of growing up only to realize that I am almost 20 and the end of college is quickly approaching.. I hide behind the idea of going to grad school but eventually I have to grow up and go into the real world..

We watched a movie today in my diversity class and I focused on the out of date clothing and the men in far too short shorts and when my teacher commented on our immatuirty of dealing with such a tough subject I realized she was right. I was avoiding thinking there is even a real problem because then I'd have to face it and what if I cant? What if I fall short? What if I'm not everything I think I am?

So, I'm afraid.. of butterflies.. of older adults.. of life.. of living.. so I live with my eyes closed.